Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
