I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
