At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
