We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
