I think I won the penis lottery.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
