im six kinds of drunk right now
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
