i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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