my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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