Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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