and i looked up. we had an audience...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
