the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
