i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
