if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
