I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
