Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
