i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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