he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I want to fling myself into the sun
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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