its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Your penis caused this!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
