There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
