god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
