i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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