oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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