he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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