I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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