Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
