Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
