I wish my penis had an off switch
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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