just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
