even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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