Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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