Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
