she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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