woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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