You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
