I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
