You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
