Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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