i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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