I am spending my child support on dildos
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sober January is a disaster.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
last night I used snow as a chaser
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
