lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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