why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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