I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
