This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
