My friends, they love my intelligence
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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