I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
