did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
