Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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