At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We talked him into tasing himself.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
