Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
