Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I did not marry a roomba.
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