I'm pants shitting drunk right now
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
