You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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